All in my little head

Nightmares of a Happily Married Woman

2009-11-07T05:32:02Z

Nightmares of a Happily Married Woman

As I lay in the sun, enjoying the warm breeze of one of the last sunny days of the year; I thought of my life at that moment. I seemed to be content. I had every earthly need, I was able to get the things I really wanted, I had a great family who was there for me, and of course, my loving Husband. We had been married for 6 months and I had never been happier. Jordan was everything I had ever wanted, besides being tall, dark and handsome; he was loyal and so very supportive. He was so willing to do anything that might make me happier, and he loved me. He loved me for exactly who I was, and he gave it unconditionally. I had I good life, and many people would envy me for it.

My train of thought was lost then as I heard someone walking past me. I opened my eyes to see a neighbor walking across the lawn of our apartment complex. He gave me a half smile and a nod. I had only ever met him in passing and couldn’t tell you his name, but he greeted me the same every time. I decided it was time to get up; my mom would be there soon to pick me up. I was helping her pick out decorations and gift for my sisters baby shower the next week. I walked back to my apartment; feeling rather pleased in general, and went to unlock the door. It was already open, and before I was completely inside I could hear my husband somewhere in the house. “Hi Honey,” I called; it was my normal greeting for when one of us came home.

“Hi Babe,” he called back.

“You’re home early…” I said as I walked to our bedroom to find him. He was sitting on the floor with our puppy in his lap. “Well, that’s cute,” I commented as I flung my purse down and took my jacket off. “Hey, my mom will be here soon. She wants me to go with her to get stuff for Laurel’s baby shower. I didn’t think you’d be home yet. Do you want to come with us?” I offered, feeling slightly guilty for not being here to spend time with him.

“Only if you want me to” he said.

“Of course I want you to come, I always want to be with you, silly” I replied with a smile as I leaned down to give him a kiss. “Let me call my mom, we can just meet her there.”

A half hour later, we were in one of the nearby department stores looking for my mother. I hated this department store, it was always too crowded and you could never make a trip there without running into someone you knew. As if to prove my point around the corner came a petite blond woman, who was very obviously pregnant, and who I guessed was her husband right behind her.

“Jordan!” she said with obvious excitement.

“Hey Charlene,” he answered, “How are you?”

“Not too bad,” she said as she rubbed her belly. They stared at each other for a few seconds before she said, “Oh sorry, this is my husband Marcus.”

They guys shook hands as Jordan said, “This is Emily.” It always bothered me when he forgot to introduce me as his wife, but it wasn’t the first time, and I know he didn’t mean too.

“Hey, I’m going to go look for my mom,” I said to Jordan, it looked like he wanted to catch up with his friend, so I would let him.

I found my mom in the baby isle looking at stuff. We stood there for a few minutes debating over one blanket verses the other, and the whole time I couldn’t shake off the really bad feeling I had. All my good feelings from this morning where gone, and I felt really uneasy. I didn’t know if I was going to be sick or not, but either way I kind of wanted to go home. I told my mom I wasn’t feeling well all of a sudden, and I went to go find Jordan. I went back to the place I had left him, and figured they had moved over an isle because I could hear him close by, I was about to round the corner, when something they were saying made me stop.

“Jordan I can’t take this anymore, you keep telling me to wait. What is there to wait for?” I heard Charlene whisper.

“Charlene, this really isn’t the place, we’ll talk about it later.” Jordan said.

“You always say that and it isn’t getting us anywhere.”

“I just need to figure this out, ok?” Jordan said.

“What is there to figure out? I told you, I’m leaving Marcus. The only reason he hasn’t left me yet is because he still thinks this baby is his-“

“Shh!” Jordan stopped her, “I said not now.” I heard him walk away then, but he must have gone the other direction because he didn’t see me.

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard, I repeated it over and over again, my stomach flipping unsteadily, threatening to surrender my lunch. No matter how I repeated the words to myself, I couldn’t make then mean anything else than what I knew they meant. I felt too hot, and suddenly too weak to move. My head was spinning, and my thoughts where chaos. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on composing myself. I needed to act normal so I could make it home. I could fall apart and die when I got home. I was contemplating the meaning of my life now, but before I could come to any conclusion-

“Hey! Emily? Right? You’re Jordan’s little friend…” Not that voice, I thought to myself. I opened my eyes and saw that petite woman standing in front of me. She called me his “little friend.” Was she really that dense? The look of her face confirmed that she was. I could tell she honestly didn’t know I was his wife. With one subtle movement I turned my wedding ring around on my finger so that is just looked like one solid silver band.

“That’s me.” I said with a very fake, forced smile. I hated her, with every fiber of my being; she had ruined my life in a matter of seconds. I blamed her for my unhappiness, more than that, despair. Yet I had a need to know everything, I needed to know what had happened, and I couldn’t let Jordan know I knew anything until I knew everything.

“So how do you know Jordan?” she asked.

“Oh, Jordan and I go way, way back. Old family friends you know…I’m practically family.”

“Like a sister?” she asked.

“Yeah… Just like a sister,” only I knew I was being sarcastic, “we tell each other everything,” I paused, and decided to just go for it, “you must be that girl he was telling me about?”

“He talked about me?” she asked, surprised, yet pleased.

“We have no secrets.” How I wished that was true… “You look like you want to talk about something; hey, why don’t we go next door, there’s a little restaurant, it would be a little more private.” She looked like she wasn’t sure. “I highly doubt they’ll know you left at all.”

“Oh ok, I’m just dying to tell someone!” she said in a rush. I couldn’t hold back the Evil thought of ‘I can fix that for you.’

Once we where outside the doors I asked, “so how did you to meet?”

“Well, you know that little part time job? The one up at the school?” I nodded. “Well,” she continued, “that’s where it really all started. We talked, we flirted; you know, one thing led to another really…” I knew she was being vague on purpose.

“I see,” was my only answer. We walked inside the restaurant and sat on the sofas in the waiting area. “So, what now?” I asked her, pointing to her belly with my eyes. She knew what I was asking.

“Well that’s the problem,” she said, “I told him I’d leave my husband, but he seems to think it would be more complicated than that and I don’t know why.”

“He’s just like that…” I supplied.

“Well I’m leaving my husband either way, and I think I have the rest all planed out.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, as soon as I leave Marcus, I was going to talk to Jordan about, you know, making things official, telling our parents, moving in together, that sort of thing. I think it was just kind of unexpected for him, I mean the baby, but he’s a good guy, and I know he’ll do the right thing. I think he is just waiting until I get closer to having the baby. I think he wants to surprise me by proposing in the hospital. So if everything goes according to plan, I’ll be married with a baby by the end of the year.” She smiled happily, like she had just told me the end of a fairy tale.

I wanted to vomit, I wanted to strangle her pretty little neck, I wanted to do her bodily harm… then run her over. But instead I decided to crush her dreams the way she had crushed mine. I couldn’t keep this charade up munch longer anyway. I wanted her to know he was mine; that he chose me, that he would never be hers the way she wanted him to be. Jordan had been divorced once before, and it was too hard on him. I knew he would never go through it again; something was too engrained into his emotions to do that.

As odd as it was, at this moment I was more angry at her, even though I knew Jordan was at least as much (if not more) to blame as she was. But angry as I was I still wanted him, I was still willing to fight for him, to make it known that he was mine, and only mine.

“Well, Charlene,” I started, “it sounds as though you have everything worked out... but as happy as that all seems; none of that’s going to happen. Jordan is not going to marry you.”

“Why not?” she asked; a little confused and disappointed.

“Jordan can’t marry you,” I turned my ring around and showed it to her, “because he’s married to me. He’s been married to me for over half a year, and he’s going to stay married to me. So I suggest you stay with your husband, and forget mine.

“Jordan married you?” she asked in a clearly condescending way.

“Yes, he did.” I said in a way to let her know she was not going to intimidate me.

“You can’t stop me.” She said in a low but determined voice.

“What?”

“You can’t stop me,” she repeated. “When you’re not there, it will be the same as it always has, you can’t stop me from touching him. Jordan loves me, I know he does, he’ll leave you, just wait. He has a baby now, and he’ll take care of us.”

“Has he ever said it? The exact words ‘Charlene, I love you?’ well?” I asked. I could tell by the look on her face he hadn’t, but I could also tell she was trying to hide that fact.

“He doesn’t have to, it’s obvious.” She replied.

“Oh, yeah, so obvious, that’s why he’s shouting it from the roof tops. Face it! He’s ashamed of you, why do you think you’re his dirty little secret, why he won’t meet your friends or family, or introduce you to his. Why do you think he won’t talk about the future with you? Because, there is no future with you in it. Not for him. He doesn’t have any secret plans to make your life happier, he’s trying to figure out a way out of your sick little fairy tale you’ve created.”

I hoped that look of pain on her face meant that I had crushed all her hopes. She was about to say something when my phone rang. I answered, “Hello,” pause, “hi honey….yeah… I’ll meet you at the car…mhmm. Love you too, bye.” I looked at Charlene as I said ‘I love you’ I wanted her to know that whether or not she was aware, Jordan had already made his choice. “I have to go. Think about what I said.” I started to get up, and she started to say something, she was trying to have the last word, but I wasn’t going to let her. I cut her off, “oh and by the way, “said over my shoulder as I reached the door, “He doesn’t really like blonds.”

On the way home, I was giving Jordan the silent treatment, and when I did look at him I gave him my “look of death” as he called it. I knew he would catch on pretty quick that I knew he did something bad, but I wouldn’t say a word until we where home. As we pulled into our parking spot, I was suddenly so scared to go inside with him. I didn’t want to say what I knew I had to. I wasn’t ready to hear what he was going to tell me. From this point on everything was going to be different, and I didn’t want anything to change.

We walked in silence to the front door, and I refused his hand when he offered it. He opened the front door, and we both walked inside. He walked to the middle of the room, turned and stood there, waiting for me to say something. All of my bravado from the restaurant was gone now. I felt so weak, so fragile, like one word was going to shatter me. How could he hurt me like this? How could he betray me in the worst way possible? I wanted to scream at him, but it only came out as a whisper, “why?” I asked. He didn’t say anything. “How could you do this to me?” I said as I walked closer to him. Before now, I was only numb, only accepting the facts but not the emotions that went with them. My mind had built a dam to keep them out and now it was as if the dam was collapsing, and I was feeling too many things at once, and I couldn’t control them. “How could this happen?” I asked a little louder. Jordan backed up a little, and raised his arms in front of him in defense.

“I didn’t mean too,” he said.

“‘You didn’t mean too’?” I repeated. “YOU DIDN’T MEAN TO!” I yelled at him, tears where in my eyes, and my words kept breaking. “Tell me what happened!” I demanded, I needed to hear him confirm everything, even though I knew it was going to kill me to. “TELL ME!”

“I’m sorry,” he said as if he needed to say that before anything else. “We met at the school; she works for them after hours, organizing the activities. I didn’t mean for anything to happen. I still don’t know how it happened; she needed someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, I guess. I was just trying to be a good friend to her; but it was something more to her, and before I knew what was happening it was already done. I couldn’t stop after that, she just, she… I don’t know… it was really hard to say no to her. I know I messed up, I sorry.” He confessed in a rush.

“You’re sorry? YOU’RE SORRY!” I started yelling and I couldn’t stop. “WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!” I was sobbing now and I couldn’t make myself stop. Jordan kept looking away as if it hurt him to see me like this. I had an uncontrollable urge to grab his face in both my hands, and make him look in my eyes; force him to see the pain in them. So that’s just what I did. I reached for him and he backed way, but there was no more room to move. He was backed up into the sliding glass door. I had his face in my hands now, and I wouldn’t let him look away. “WHY? WHY? WHY?” I kept repeating it, taking gasping breaths in between. I knew I was pressing my nails into his cheeks, but I didn’t care, I at that moment, I wanted to bang his head into the glass until it broke. Instead, I slapped him as hard as I could. But my arms felt weak and useless, I knew I wasn’t hitting him very hard, but I couldn’t make myself stop.

He had broken my heart, and I didn’t know if I could ever recover from something like this. He was my whole reason for living and now it seemed as if that reason was fading away. Words cannot convey that kind of despair; the feeling of losing everything at once, with no hope of ever having it back again. I was still sobbing, and everything was becoming hazy and confusing, “Jordan,” I said, needing something from him, although I didn’t know what. “Jordan,” I repeated.

Everything was slipping away, my head was spinning so fast I wasn’t sure if I was standing up or lying down anymore. I had this strange feeling of falling off a cliff, yet at the same time being pulled in the opposite direction. The pull was so much stronger; I could feel the pressure of whatever was moving me. And then as if I was surfacing from under water, I broke through the boundaries of the pull; and woke up.

emmy_jo18 @ 2008-12-22T11:53:00

2008-12-22T18:55:35Z

Authors Note: Sorry it took me so long! But here is the next chapter. This one is really short, and its more to fill the gap between events, but there will be more, I promise.

Chapter 6

BPOV

“Bella?” Alice called as she opened the front door. She sounded slightly panicked. I tried to call back but it came out as a whisper.

“I’m in here.” I answered. I was still staring at the door way where Edward had run out minutes before. I was trying to figure out what had just happened. I expected him to be furious and try to do something really stupid, like convince me to leave, but what happened had surprised me. He didn’t look angry, at least not at me, I could tell the difference now. He look confused, that much was certain, but there was something else, something in his eyes that reminded me of my Edward. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought he was looking at me like he was in love with me again. I pushed away the hope I was starting to feel after having that thought. I shouldn’t think like that. It will only make this worse than it already is.

“oh, Bella…are you ok?” Alice looked at the expression on my face. “I was too far away when I realized he was already here. I thought I had enough time to run to town and be back before he got here but he changed his mind and didn’t stop outside of town like he was going to and I’m so sorry I should have been here.” She explained in a rush as she crossed the room an d sat on the bench with me. “What exactly did he say? I couldn’t really make anything out once he was with you.”

“He…he just…surprised me is all.”

“Surprised you?” She asked.

“Well, he didn’t react the way I thought he would.” I explained what had happened and then looked at her; she looked as though this wasn’t the least bit unexpected. I gasped. “You! You knew he would act this way didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me? I was expecting the worst and worrying about what was going to happen.” I glared at her.

“Now Bella, don’t be angry with me, please.” She pleaded. “You know my visions aren’t 100% guaranteed. I didn’t want you to tell you something then have Edward change his mind about later.”

I knew she was right and that she had a good reason for not sharing her information. I sighed and turned away to look out the window.

“Do you have any idea what actually happened to him?” I asked without looking at her. “I mean, why did he just run off like that, what was he thinking about. For a minute it seemed like he….oh, never mind.”

“ I think Edward might have just had a epiphany. Don’t worry, he didn’t actually leave; he’ll be back in a few hours. He’s probably trying to figure out what just happened to him.”

“And what do you think just happened to him?” I asked as I turned back to face her. She leaned closer to whisper into my ear so no one would have a chance of overhearing.

“ don‘t worry Bella, he‘ll love you.” She whispered as she smiled.

“Alice I-“ I started, but she cut me off.

“Oh come on Bella, isn’t that exactly what happened last time? Hmm? You said he told you that actually falling in love with you happened all of a sudden when you talked about him in your sleep. In that one moment he realized he loved you, simple as that.” She folded her arms and sat back.

“But Alice, it’s not that simple. Edward had more time to get to know me then; more time to adjust to everything. It wasn’t something that happened overnight. It took months for us to even speak to each other.”

“oh, psh.” She waved her hand in the air, dismissing my remarks. “So it’s a little more fast paced this time, isn’t that a good thing?” she asked.

“I guess so...” I answered, letting this new possibility sink in.

“Everything will be fine; well, eventually… I promise.” She smiled and gave me a small hug. “Oh, and I have something for you.” She reached into her large designer purse and pulled out something wrapped in brown paper and handed it too me. It looked like a book. “open it!” she exclaimed excitedly.

I pulled off the paper and looked at it. I was right, it was a book. Most people would have been disappointed by getting a book as a gift, but not me. It was bound in navy blue leather with a gold border all along the edges and the spine. There was no title on the front so I curiously opened it. The first couple pages where blank, so I looked for the title page. There didn’t seem to be one. I skimmed though the book and it was completely blank.

Oh of course, it’s a journal.
“Its a journal,” Alice explained, pointing out the obvious. “I saw that you’d finish your first one this morning so I went and got you another one, well, two actually. I’ll give you the other one when you finish with this one. There’s 256 pages so this one should last a few days at least.”
“Thank you, Alice.” I hugged her again. “I think I’m going to go upstairs and keep writing.” She nodded and I went upstairs.
I had just settled down on the bed with my journal when I heard loud noise like a then a crash. I got up quickly and when into the hall. The noise was coming form the next room; Alice’s “project room” where she kept all her random things she used for parties and such. It was about half the size of a normal room, but still big enough to hold everything.
I peeked my head around the door. The room was completely empty except for Esme and it looked like she was knocking out the wall that connected that room to the boy’s game room.
Alice must be wanting to expand her room. I smiled to myself and left before Esme noticed me. Ha! Wait till Emmett comes home. Alice had a bad habit for taking over other people’s rooms sometimes., and Esme took any excuse to remodel.
I settled myself back and on the bed and began to write; trying to get everything out of my head and onto the paper. I was trying to keep that part of my life alive in some way, just in case these ended up being to only memories of Edward and I together.
I wrote all though the day, only stopping when Alice or Esme made me eat something. They were all too aware of my fragile human needs. I was just finishing a page when I heard a door open and slam shut.
Edward was home.

Just some wedding ideas

2008-11-14T03:15:07Z

Jordan's ring

His

Close up

Rings:

First

Second

Third

Fourth

Fifth

Ok so this isn't a definite thing, but we both really like this dress for me

My wedding dress (possibly)

another one I like

oh lets see, other things...

Our colors will be dark red and white, maybe dark purple too. I'm still deciding if I want all 3 or not.

we want our cake to look something like this....

Cake

And I like bouquets that look something like this... except I'd take out those little crystal things and put in a few small white orchids in between a few of the roses.

Bouquet

The Orchids

ok, I think that's it for now, but I'll keep this updated....

emmy_jo18 @ 2008-10-08T23:04:00

2008-10-09T05:05:49Z

This is my Journal and I just learned how to use the LJ cut tool, look here:

emmy_jo18 @ 2008-09-23T03:34:00

2008-09-23T09:55:29Z

Broken Reality-

Title: Broken Reality (5/?)
Rating: PG-13 so far ( M for later chapters)
Category: Drama, Angst, Romance
Pairing/characters: Edward/Bella, Regular couples and characters
spoilers: All ( just to be safe)
Summary: Bella married Edward, and when he turns her, she wakes to find she is trapped in a nightmare: Reality. Or so she is told....Alice has a strange vision that she thinks will change her family's lives forever. She sets off to find an answer to her unsolved questions.
Authors note: I would recommend reading the last chapter (if not all three) to Bedside, since that is what inspired me to write this, however its not totally necessary.
Disclaimer: 1. All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, as do the ideas and basic plots behind this. 2. Anything indicated with (**) is quoted from Bedside by Sammie_3

First 5 chapters Here

emmy_jo18 @ 2008-09-21T19:29:00

2008-09-22T01:33:29Z

Sign the petition to support the publishing of Midnight Sun-

this is not to disreguard her wishes to hold the book's progress; just to let her know we still love her and wish she'd consider finishing it.

Sign Here

Writer's Block: What happened to you today?

2008-07-31T15:49:52Z

What happened to you today?

View 500 Answers

I went to sleep at 3 and woke up 8:30 to watch my nephew so my sister could get some sleep. We had bagels, strawberries, and orange juice, then watched cartoons, stopped to read a book to him, then watched more cartoon. The T.V. Distracted him enough for me to read a chapter in my own book and check my email, but now I should go see what he's doing because he's too quite and that means he's trying to be sneaky- never a good thing.

Writer's Block: Being Another Creature

2008-07-28T23:15:09Z

If you could be any creature, any mobile life form at all, which would it be and why?

Submitted By sula_sgeir

View 500 Answers

I'd be a bird because I always have dreams about flying. Usually over a beautiful forest with rivers and waterfalls, much like my home in Oregon. Also, as a bird I can still sing. But I'd want to be a large bird that couldn't be caught easily, and preferably under the endangered species protection. Birds just seem too vulnerable.

Writer's Block: Feeling Better

2008-07-28T23:07:25Z

What makes you feel better when you're mad?

Submitted By kimmayeisblack

View 500 Answers

I lock myself in my room, turn the stereo up and sing as loud as I can. How mad I am and what about usually determines what I sing. More often than not its some form of rock music. Then if I'm really frustrated I'll start cleaning and thing in my room. The physical activity lets me get rid of some steam. As I calm down so does the music, and I end up with something pretty like opera, or something classic my technique professor gave me to work on. Music is my outlet for just about anything I need to express.

emmy_jo18 @ 2008-07-25T11:49:00

2008-07-25T17:58:02Z

Take this test about twilight and see your score.

here

I got a 14954 as my score.

Writer's Block: At the Hour of Preference

2008-07-20T04:24:06Z

What time of day is best? Why?

Submitted By adosthebitty

View 501 Answers

Dawn, for a few reasons. 1) the sunrise, oh so beautiful. 2) very few people are awake and its a good time to collect your thoughts and reflect on other things. 3) to me it is symbolic of hope and the beginning of something new, like a fresh start.

Bella's engagement Ring

2008-07-13T02:20:21Z

so I saw a picture of Bella's engagement ring (from Stephenie Meyers twilight saga books; Eclipse) and it really bothered me. The ring was not at all what I thought it would be. I don't think its all that pretty. I'm sure it will grow on me. I can't absolutely hate it because I love Stephenie Meyer and this is what she had in mind.
Here is a picture of the Stephenie Meyer approved ring:

http://a264.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/53/m_04e470ac8c3c345f804d90dbd4cb3ce7.jpg

so what did you think? personally I don't care for it. No offense to the creators, its just not my style. In my mind I saw something else, and despite the fact that I generally dislike gold and ovals, what I pictured was beautiful. It made up for the fact that I disliked the details of the ring. I looked everywhere online for something that looked like the one In my head, but it was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I kept finding a few that were almost perfect except for minor details but I was looking for something exact. Then an idea hit me and I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before. I took the pics and took the rings apart and put pieces together to form the one I wanted. I think It looks pretty good, if I do say so myself. Here is a picture of my version:

http://a9.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/113/m_7151a780a1231a0b7bad2c4fafb9fc60.jpg

So I was wondering, is my version anything like the one anybody else pictured while reading?

ok so I saw another picture of the real ring and it wasn't so bad really, I almost like it now. here it is...

http://a484.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/48/m_a2e9c956611d0f9ec9bdb589a73807a3.jpg